How I know I can’t ever drink again….

Day 8 0 0

I remember how hard it was to make the decision that there’d be a day 1.

I remember celebrating everyday, every milestone, every victory.

Looking back, the first year was the easiest. I was hellbent on proving to myself that it could be done. I had to prove to myself that I was strong. It was a year full of ah-ha moments & a deeper self-discovery. It was a journey into the unknown.

I spent most of year 1 avoiding things because I didn’t think I was strong enough.

Year 2 I realized I needed to face temptations instead of just avoiding them. Year 2 could be said to be easier, only because I knew what to expect & had already started to create a routine that hinged around sobriety. But year 2 I was faced with trying to figure out who the fuck sober Mindy was as a person & as a wife. I changed. My moral compass changed. My interests changed. And I had to feel my feelings and deal with my thoughts 100%. No escaping. No avoiding. No numbing myself.

Year 2 I’ve caught myself more often than you realize fantasizing about having “just one drink”, dipping a toe into a life with alcohol, wondering what a sip of a beer or a glass of champagne would taste like. It’s like there’s this constant battle between the devil and angel that sit on each shoulder. It happens when I’m sitting alone, when I’m driving and even in my dreams.

Alcohol creates so many issues & masks so many peoples problems & ruins lives, but I understand that not everyone has a problem with alcohol or drug use like I have had a history with.

But there’s these moments of clarity that remind me of why I’ve remained sober for 800 days.

Sunday night as we were watching an episode of Dexter, there was a scene where his brother shows up to talk with 2 porterhouse steaks and a SIX PACK of beer. I mentally roll my eyes and think to myself, “WTF! What a bunch of pussies. What guy would only drink 3 beers?” And just like that I was smacked in the face with the fact that I am in fact someone who cannot have a “healthy” relationship with booze of any kind. I tell Ryan what went through my head. Rebel says “What would you bring? A 12-pack?” My response, “Nope! No less than a case …. and this is why I can never drink again!”

…. sure I could probably drink and stick to 1-2 drinks, but easily in 6-12 months, I’d be that chick buying a case of beer a day. I’ve come way to far to go backwards.